Apples and Applications

It’s fairly cliché to say that we are all built of layers; most people liken themselves to onions when referring to the layered nature of subjectivity. While still cliché, I’d like to claim the status of a gently-sweetened, buttery, and flakey apple pie. Equally layered and full of depth, I’m finding that the sweetness lurks beneath the crispy exterior.

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Those who follow me on social media might be aware of my continued introspection about this odd period of life I find myself navigating. I’m almost done my PhD, and I am currently applying to many fellowships and jobs and thinking about what’s next for me. I’m moving beyond the “tenure track or bust” orientation while also applying for tenure track positions. I’m building relationships with prospective supervisors for post-doc positions while often asking them to write me letters of reference for full time positions. I’m working as a part of a different grant team on a larger-scale project that, if funded, would be pretty game changing. I’m actively seeking paid writing and speaking gigs in health and mental health, building the contingency that I might end up freelancing or consulting. I started a free month of Linkedin premium.

That last item demonstrates the depth of commitment I have to this search. I’ve never been a fan of the platform, finding it ill-suited to capturing academic jobs and pursuits. And yet, here I am.

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These are all things that I’m doing, but they don’t capture the work that’s going on behind the “hustle” (oh how I hate that word). Beneath the 50-100 page applications lurks a deep sense of self-exploration—the cinnamon to the apples of my hustle. Throughout my academic career thus far, I’ve mostly known what comes next. Undergrad moved into Masters, which flowed even more seamlessly into PhD. I felt comfortable in grad school—nestled in a familiar environment, yet challenged by the collaborations I sought out, encouraged by my mentors, and enthusiastic about the changes I could make.

Over the course of the past few months, I’ve grown tired of being a student, yet equally uncertain about what is next. I initially framed this as an anxiety about the future—and it is that, too. But I’ve been increasingly thinking about how I can allow my values and desires to drive my pursuits in and beyond academia. It’s becoming about more than securing a tenure track position; it’s becoming more about whether that position would afford me the chance to collaborate with interesting and inspiring people. Whether I would be able to support students’ growth. Whether I would be able to do work that has relevance to policy and social systems. Whether I would be able to research and write without getting sucked into a competition for scarce resources.

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I’m probably imagining an academic utopia, but I’m doing it pragmatically. Hold your scoffs at my contradiction of terms: I really do think it is possible to do collaborative, ethical, and impactful work. I’ve seen it happen. This work isn’t free from mess, and often bumps up against the strictures of institutional bureaucracy. But it is human.

The human nature of the work I want to do is sometimes missed in the continual funding applications, the peer reviews that feel more like attacks, and the siloing of disciplines. But ultimately, we are humans, doing work with humans, for humans, amongst humans… and I believe we can do this work for good. When I think about the values that guide my pursuits, I think about connection, community, compassion, and curiosity. (I’m sorry about the alliteration, Glen.) I think about love and loyalty and learning. I think about respect and relationships.

I’m making this sound easy, and I’m getting away from the heart of the matter. I’m experiencing existential uncertainty that makes my days somewhat unpredictable. I wake up some days so excited by the possibilities that lie before me; some days I feel like no matter which path I take, it will be the right one. Other days, I find it hard to get out of the house, or to get motivated to do the most straightforward work-related task—particularly those that involve abstract or creative thinking. On these days, I do a lot of cleaning, or baking. These tasks have the kind of discrete end point I am seeking when I have wandering days. Put some flour, butter, and sugar together, add a bunch of apples and cinnamon, and bake at 350, and you have a pie. There’s a reason my kitchen overflows these days.

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I’m trying not to judge myself for this lack of motivation. Ultimately I know that it is part of the ebb and flow of life, and I’m being gentle with myself. Still, I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that sometimes I want to run away, sell my pies, teach pilates and ballet, and write inconsequential things like this blog post.

But even if I ran away, I would still value connection, community, compassion, and curiosity. Love and loyalty and learning. Respect and relationships.

There would just be more pies, and fewer grant applications.

[Salted Treacle Butter Apple Pie from the Half Baked Harvest cookbook (which I highly recommend -- it is spectacular.]

 

On Solitude

I have a limited capacity for peopling. Call it introversion if you wish, but in general I have a tendency to get over-stimulated by a lot of exposure to other humans. I wouldn’t call myself “shy” per se, at least not since I was four years old and used to hide behind my mom when others would come to the door. Shyness doesn’t really capture the experience, though, nor does “social awkwardness,” which is another label I’ve alternately attracted or used in reference to myself over the years.

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People actually fascinate me—hence why I’ve been making a career of studying people’s experiences in their bodies and in the world. When I am around people, I commonly have a hard time not attending to them. If you get me one-on-one, I’m likely to try to start a conversation, and I tend to feel like it is my responsibility to ensure that everyone is having a good time. I like to make people happy.

This desire to make people happy, and an attunement to others’ affect, can lead to my energies being drawn somewhat out of my body. It leaves me feeling like a bit of a husk, when I do it too much. So I retreat, either emotionally or physically (or both) until I feel recharged.

I don’t always need to retreat from everyone. Usually I am ok to be in the company of people I know very well while I am recharging; my partner, my mom, a very good friend, or someone else who recharges in the same way. If I am pushed over the edge, though, I find that I need to find a way to get back into my body, or I will ironically turn on it, losing my identification with it and feeling detached and unhappy.

The way my introversion manifests can be confusing. Because I seem gregarious online and even sometimes in person, it can seem like I am being uncaring or uninvested when I do not reach out to make plans with people very often. My social anxiety also manifests in more inward way, making me seem like someone who is completely comfortable in a large room of people, even giving a talk I am not at all prepared for. Truth be told, this perception of comfort is borne of the determined streak that made me practice—not in my room, speaking to the dog, but by signing up for conference after conference until I no longer got hives when I stood up at the podium.

I am also more comfortable when I know that I will be able to retreat. At a conference, I can perform my peopling self because I have already planned my retreats. I book myself into Air BnBs at least a half hour walk from the conference venue. I relish dinners alone, full of kale and silence. I bring my yoga mat everywhere I go.

I fear, sometimes, that my limited capacity for peopling has led to some friendships fading. When something looks like it is easy for you, it is hard to explain how much it takes out of you. It’s also hard to ask to continue to be invited places because you like knowing that others are thinking about you when you might decline, or cancel at the last moment.

I’ve recently become more attuned to my own inner process of building up to my peopling capacity, developing a keener awareness of when I am about to cross the line and planning my retreat then, as opposed to when I am nursing a resultant migraine or suddenly angry or crying out of the blue.

Taking care of yourself sometimes means accepting that it won’t always be clear to others why you left the party without saying goodbye. Embracing your capacity means knowing that sometimes you will cross the limit for a good enough reason, and that the icks won’t stay with you forever.

Sometimes being me means knowing that I’ll always seem contradictory to some people.

I’m learning to let that be.

Plums and Politics

Let’s talk about evidence. I’ve been working on several funding proposals lately, as is the plight of the final year PhD student. Some of these proposals are based in Canada, some in the US, and some in the UK. I am getting well-practiced at putting quite a bit of effort and very little stock in any of these applications panning out. I accept the reality of the funding environment, and acknowledge how little most people care about eating disorders—so I need to work quite hard to convince people that eating disorders do, in fact, matter.

Convincing people that eating disorders matter is a tricky game. It’s kind of like attempting to make something that is vegan, gluten free, and made with “natural sugars” grab your tastebuds. Difficult, but not impossible. And no, the irony of that simile does not escape me.

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One of the things I have noticed about funding applications in the States in particular is that if you want people to care about eating disorders, something they care very little about, you’d sure as hell better use the methods they’re used to. There had better be some numbers behind your observations, or you might as well not bother. Obviously, this perturbs me.

Call me easily perturbed if you will, but I’m a firm believer in methodological innovation. Unfortunately, it doesn’t seem like people want to take the double risk: risking engagement with eating disorders, which are still framed as disorders of the young, white, vain, able bodied, and woman; risking trying something new with methods… or something very old, applied to the research environment. Like, for instance, talking to people. It shouldn’t be a radical idea. Asking to people about their experiences is about as risky and “out there” as sticking a bunch of plums in a dish and pouring maple syrup over them and expecting it to taste good. Oh wait…

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I have a very different definition of “evidence based” than many in the research community, eating disorders or otherwise, and place a very different premium on the importance of numbers to back up what we are saying. This is becoming clear the more I compete for the limited funds dispersed to study social phenomena, and the more I roll in eating disorder advocacy circles; both places tend to strongly value “hard science,” and see qualitative approaches as a handy little afterword.

There is a time and place for numbers. I have nothing but respect for quantitative researchers, and I do believe that it is possible to do good quantitative research. Numbers are compelling, and stats can even (GASP) be fun and innovative in and of themselves.

But numbers do not tell the whole story, nor are they inherently better for describing social phenomena, eating disorders included. They are simply different.

I have seen terrible quantitative studies on eating disorders that replicate the same errors that have pervaded the field for years. I’ve seen reliance on scales that we discovered long ago have fundamental flaws in their psychometrics (i.e., they don't measure what they are supposed to be measuring in the same way for different groups of people). Many of the scales used to determine levels of pathology and outcomes for eating disorders are built on the very assumptions many using those studies for advocacy argue against, for instance the idea that eating disorders are primarily tied to poor body image. Most of the scales were designed on white, Western populations, often clinical. A significant chunk of studies on eating disorders are conducted with people with anorexia, in clinical settings.

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As I write this, I fear that my words will be taken the wrong way. I have friends and colleagues who conduct quantitative research. I have read compelling accounts of eating disorders that use quantitative methods; I have cited statistics in funding applications and research studies. It is also worth noting that I’ve read terrible qualitative studies on eating disorders. I’ve seen studies include samples of people fitting a pre-determined set of criteria for recovery that claim to be exploring a definition of recovery. I’ve seen thematic analyses where the authors do little analysis and more counting of mentions. I’ve seen authors publish five articles that say essentially the same thing. I’ve seen claims of novelty on research that was done twenty years ago.

As I write this, I fear that I invite a gaze on my own work wherein it too will be criticized for not being innovative enough. But that’s just the thing: who defines innovation? So often, research funding is little more than a game of politics; whose work is en vogue? Whose methods align with the dominant spirit of the times? Whose name do the reviewers recognize and trust? What is the political funding climate under the party in power?

It’s important to acknowledge the fundamentally political character of the research enterprise because it helps us to recognize that science is never neutral. Every day, some voices are amplified above others due to funding and publication biases. Sometimes the most compelling “evidence” comes from someplace else entirely, but it doesn’t have the sheen of scholarly communication. Non-scholarly environments are, of course, no less prone to politics and biases. 

But we simply cannot say that stories are not evidence; of course they are. (So maybe let’s listen).

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On To the Bone, and Other Cinematic Representations of Eating Disorders

This post doesn't have a nice food photo to accompany it, and is therefore slightly off-brand, but it needed to be written.

I’ve been asked about my thoughts about To the Bone more times than I can count. I’m finding it hard to find much about eating disorders online these days that DOESN’T focus on the movie, which makes it rather challenging to find content for the social postings I am in charge of for a few accounts. And I have a secret:

I find popular media around eating disorders to be really boring.

There’s nothing interesting to me about watching treatment play out on screen. I’d rather not watch a movie about an eating disorder, because I’ve already experienced one, I’ve talked to people in much more in-depth and meaningful ways about their eating disorders, and I don’t particularly care to see another movie about a thin white young able bodied heterosexual woman with an eating disorder. Fewer of my bones might have shown when I was struggling, but that woman was me, and I have no particular interest in watching a cinematic version of that struggle.

This has nothing to do with being triggered; I watched both films and carried on with my life as normal, feeling no pull toward the behaviours that were once so compelling to me. Triggers are much more complex than seeing something and trying to emulate their bodily appearance or behaviours. This isn’t to say that these films won’t be triggering to some—I’m sure they will. But that’s only one small part of the issue, in my view.

When I watched To the Bone, I had my critical academic hat on (do I ever take it off?). I was lucky to be able to watch and discuss the film with my friends Emma and Glen; together, we cringed at a number of things in the film. Interestingly, though, I was actually more concerned with the homophobia, ableism, and paternalism present in the film. Some of what was disturbing about it, to me, actually had to do with some of what was accurate about it.

Let me explain. The character I disliked the most in the film was Dr. Keanu. I know, I know, he has some other name in the film, but I like to call him Dr. Keanu. I couldn’t suspend disbelief and still saw him dodging bullets, Matrix-style. In several scenes in the film, Dr. Keanu treats the film’s protagonist, Ellen, as if she were a child, without any agency and awareness.

Of course, we could talk for hours about agency and eating disorders, but I think we probably agree on the following key point: you can’t scare someone with an eating disorder into getting better. And yet, the idea that you can do so was, in my view, an accurate estimation of how many practitioners seem to approach eating disorders. Over at Science of Eating Disorders, I wrote about the problems with promoting psychoeducation alone without additional psychological support for people with eating disorders. I remember, acutely, the experience of being on a wait list for my eating disorder program and accessing the only support available to me at the time, which I referred to as “the group in which they tell me I’m going to die but don’t do anything about it.” It was one of the worst times of my life—and it didn’t help me get better. I couldn’t be “scared straight,” and I find the idea that all people with eating disorders lack awareness about what they are doing to their bodies to be infantalizing and untrue.

In general, men in the film were represented as the saviours—from Dr. Keanu, who works at a children’s hospital and is treating adults with eating disorders, who comes into Ellen’s room at night, and who decides to re-name her, to Luke, who could have been an opportunity to deeply explore the experiences of men with eating disorders and yet ends up taking on the role of Ellen’s mentor and guide, as well as her heterosexual love interest who tells her that she “needs to be touched by someone who cares for her.” Jokes are made about conversion therapy, and Ellen’s lesbian mother is presented in a stereotypical way.

Ableism also features, including through repeated mentions of having “calorie Aspergers” (not a thing, and not a funny joke). Exploring racialization in the film, we might also consider how the only people of colour in the film are either in service roles and/or in larger bodies. Further, the one client in a larger body, who is also Black, is depicted as suffering from binge eating disorder.

Body size, is, of course, a whole other kettle of fish. There has been a lot made online in advocate communities about the irresponsible nature of asking Lilly Collins to lose weight for a role that need not have been depicted in the way it was, as people can suffer from restrictive eating disorders at any weight. This decision did not surprise me, and as others have pointed out, it reveals the extent to which weight bias still rules the day. Many continue to assume that those with anorexia are in very small bodies and those in larger bodies suffer from binge eating disorder, and there is a lack of recognition of how it’s not really possible to lose that much weight “healthily.” Again, these debates are important but nothing new: the crystallization of weight bias not only in society in general but in the eating disorders community in particular has taken place in multiple fora of late. All I wish to add is that it’s important for all people to examine their weight biases, including those who have never experienced eating disorders.

One could argue that most movies contain this kind of ridiculousness. Admittedly, I was analyzing this movie rather than really watching it. I know, I can’t have nice things. I’m a critical academic and grad student—it’s literally my job to critically analyze things. I keep thinking about what my friend and colleague Emma said, as we watched: who is this film for, and how might it land for those who do not have the critical analysis agenda? It’s a good question, and one I’m continuing to ponder. It seems to me that those who do not do what I do a) think the film is insightful and revealing and b) assume I’d love it too. And that concerns me.

 

Bodies and Balsamic

It’s been a day of frustration with the way that health is peddled to the masses on social media. So, it’s been a day.

Almost every day, I get follows on Instagram from health and fitness Instagrammers and bloggers. A glance at our social media profiles might not actually look that different—while my Instagram might have a few more cupcakes, many of my posts carry the sheen of health. I think deeply every time I post something on social media, as I am aware of my position as someone who is openly recovered from an eating disorder and critical of diet culture. I know that having a thin, white, able body leads to my body being read in certain ways.

It can be oddly taboo to talk about health and fitness in recovery. Navigating the contradictions of having an interest in movement and having a history of disordered eating is far from straightforward. There is a double surveillance that can occur: on the one hand, your behaviours may be glorified by those who do not know about your eating disorder; on the other, those who know that you’ve experienced an eating disorder might give your salad the side eye.

Add to the thin privilege that allows me to bake strawberry basil balsamic cupcakes because I want a cupcake—and to eat that cupcake publicly and have it be seen as “cute” rather than gluttonous.

I navigate these tensions in a number of ways, and probably imperfectly. As I mentioned, I’m inevitably misread, interpreted as someone who wholeheartedly buys into gym cultures, someone who is so recovered that she doesn’t have to think twice about her exercise practices, or, conversely, as someone who isn’t as recovered as she thinks she is. I care about these misinterpretations not because of how they impact me personally—I know how solid my own recovery is, and I am happy to correct anyone who presumes that I think everybody should exercise or even that I personally spend time in gyms—but because of what they say about health, bodies, and eating disorder recovery.

In all honesty, I could not care less about what you choose to do with your body in terms of fitness and eating practices. This is somewhat of a controversial statement from someone who researches and writes about eating disorder recovery. Earlier on in my own journey and my work, I was quick to snap at those who drank diet coke, went vegan, ate Paleo, decided on gluten free, or any similar practice. I thought that these behaviours represented continued disordered eating, and I was vocal about it.

As my recovery has continued, and as I’ve spoken with many people in recovery through my research and advocacy work, I’ve started to change my tune. I’ve grown discontented with the idea that in order to be recovered you need to eat cute, stylized cupcakes. I’m tired of seeing lists that binarize disordered and non-disordered behaviours as if these uniformly applied to all people. I started being more generous toward others in recovery who are living in variously marginalized bodies and who inevitably face different pressures than I do. I can no longer pretend that eating a cupcake will be read the same way when a person in a large body does it, even when we’ve had similar eating disorder experiences.

This does not mean, though, that I can endorse fitness prescriptions that peddle certain types of lifestyles to all as if there were not differences in the types of exercise and eating that work for all. I cringe when I see someone write that they think everyone should wake up and hit the gym because they’ll be proud of themselves and no pain means no gain. I can’t stand the suggestion that we should ALL be eating gluten free, or that sugar is rotting our brains, or that “sitting is the new smoking.” These imperatives, and the overarching frame that a person who does not do these things is lazy, immoral, and unwanted, is untenable for me.

There is no one perfect route to health—and, further, health is not everyone’s aim. Frankly, we can’t know what will work for anyone else, we can’t judge someone’s health status by looking at them, and assuming that we can prescribe fitness in a uniform way is not only problematic but actually harmful. I have no problem with people enacting the ways of moving and eating that work for them—but we need to acknowledge that these practices exist in a political and social setting in which morals and bodies are configured as deeply entwining.  

Conferences and Confections

Conferences are strange bastions of self-presentation and self-reflection. I don’t know about you, but I always leave conferences feeling a strange mix of elated, exhausted, and reflective. It’s conference season right now, and I’ve begun my usual whirlwind of airports and blazers that sees me through much of the summer and into the fall. Three of my first four conferences of the year have been eating disorder/weight stigma oriented, which of course has me thinking about how I think the field can and should move forward.

You know, if I were master of the universe.

Sadly, I’m really only master of the kitchen at the moment (but I’ll take it).

Since I’ve been home, I’ve been reflecting on the culture shock that exists in the in-between of the worlds of anti-weight stigma and eating disorder research and treatment. Oh, and baking date squares.

At the 5th Annual Weight Stigma Conference, I teamed up with Erin Harrop and Jen Henretty to facilitate a roundtable discussion about weight stigma in the eating disorders field. We gathered a group of passionate others and talked about the issue in a meaningful way that tapped into some of the issues we see, including:

  • The exclusionary criteria that accompany eating disorder diagnoses, circumscribing certain bodies into certain categories and labelling larger bodies “atypical”
  • The definition of recovery as between a BMI of 20 and 24, which essentially delegitimizes the recoveries of those in larger bodies
  • The use of body tracing and other body image techniques that make fatness out to be distorted and wrong
  • The promise issued to those in treatment that they “won’t get fat,” a promise that re-inscribes a fear of fatness
  • The over-focus on anorexia in research
  • The use of weight loss as a “successful outcome” in studies about binge eating disorder

These issues and countless others often go completely unnoticed in eating disorder research and treatment. Being amongst others who do anti-weight stigma and generally social justice-oriented work is always a treat; the level of discussion at the weight stigma conference is always inspiring. It’s fantastic to start a conversation with the knowledge that you won’t have to explain why it’s a problem to shame people because they have a larger body, to equate food types with morality, or to create spaces that only accommodate thin (and white, and able, and heterosexual, etc.) bodies.

Enter: the culture shock of attending an eating disorder conference immediately after the weight stigma conference. Now, as always, these comments are not meant as an indictment of individual clinicians or researchers, or even the conference I was at per se. There were some moments of brilliance there, too -- notably, the acknowledgment of the heuristics we all work within and how all eating disorders are unique, even "atypical," because they reflect individual ways of eating and being.

My critiques are lodged with the broader perspective of where and how our work is situated, who it is intended to help, and how these communities might (or should) be involved in its production and dissemination. The critiques are leveraged in an effort to highlight how all knowledge and all treatment is socially and politically situated. We need to think about how those most impacted by our work will interpret and engage with our research and treatment. Their expertise matters.

Back to the scene of the conference. Within a day, I had heard weight loss proclaimed as a successful outcome for binge eating disorder. I had heard about patients “failing” treatment (rather than, as I’d prefer, treatments failing patients). I had wondered about the accessibility of the space to people in larger bodies, people of colour, people with disabilities, etc. I had pondered the gendered makeup of panels and session chairs and attendees. And I was not alone in my pondering.

It’s uncomfortable engaging in this kind of critique. I am not yet in a position of power when it comes to my academic career. I recognize that identifying systemic issues in the eating disorder field may not be popular. But I feel that because I have the relative privilege of being able to attend these kinds of conferences—a possibility still closed to many, particularly those with lived experience and those who don’t feel welcome in the space for a whole host of reasons—it is to a certain extent my job to speak up about these issues.

At the end of the day, I have the choice about whether or not I do this. The fact that I could choose to stick to the status quo reminds me that I must not. The fact that people are more likely to listen to me about issues of weight stigma being a problem in the field because I am thin, white, able-bodied, educated, etc. only reinforces the problem.

Eating disorder organizations can do, and are doing, better at addressing social justice issues. I have seen significant movement from organizations like NEDIC toward a centring of marginalized voices and a responsiveness to concerns oppressed groups raise. It is possible to move toward inclusiveness through listening, and avoiding the defensiveness and side tracking we’re trained to display when someone challenges us. 

I am not exempt. I am not the thin, white saviour, stepping in to speak truth to power. In many ways, I’m complicit in systems of power. It’s important that I name the imperfection and privilege with which I approach this work. The ultimate aim is not for me to be up at the podium, but for me to step aside and centre the voices of those who really need to be heard. As we chip away at the system, though, I can’t help but speak up, as uncomfortable as it sometimes makes me. I speak up because I could sit back, and that’s a problem.

[Vegan date squares from Get It Ripe by Jae Steele; made gluten free so more people will be able to eat them] 

Systems and Strawberries: A Post for World Eating Disorders Action Day 2017

Today is World Eating Disorders Action Day. Last year I was much more involved—check out my blog posts from last year here and here—but this year I’ve been much more low key about the day. This doesn’t mean I don’t care, or that I don’t think the day is important—I think it is an amazing example of bringing together people across the world to fight for better eating disorders treatment and research. My absence from the group has had more to do with practicing what I preach, in a way. It’s had a lot to do with learning how to say yes and when to say no in ways that fit for me. So this year I’m just saying yes in the form of writing a little about what I’ve been pondering lately, when it comes to eating disorders.

I’m a bit of a broken record or squeaky wheel or some other kind of cliché about repetitiousness when it comes to my fixation on the need to think about the broader systemic context when we think about eating disorders. Let’s leave aside, for a moment, the question of what role this system plays in the genesis of eating disorders (a complex question, and today isn’t the day for a debate) and consider instead what the system is doing to those seeking treatment and recovery from eating disorders.

At least a few times a month, I am asked for resources for people suffering from eating disorders—people themselves, supporters, acquaintances, and coworkers of people with eating disorders approach me, knowing my area of interest, and ask me if I know of any good services available for people with eating disorders. They usually ask if I know of anything in the Canadian context, but sometimes they’re requesting supports in the States, the UK, or elsewhere. Are there eating disorder treatment programs in these places? Of course (well, maybe not “of course,” if you think about the fact that the Canadian territories and several provinces lack significant supports…). Can I guarantee that the person will have a positive experience when they attend that treatment? No, I can’t.

I want to be crystal clear that this is not an indictment of individual clinicians who treat eating disorders. Particularly in Canada, I know many well-trained, compassionate, and hard-working eating disorder healthcare professionals. However, the systems we have in place to treat eating disorders are not meeting the needs of people seeking treatment. What gets in the way? Here’s an incomplete list:

  • Overwork and burnout amongst healthcare providers, working long hours in a field that is stigmatized (see this post I wrote a while back for more)
  • Treatment approaches that are rooted in white supremacist cultural norms (such as perfectionism, sense of urgency, a focus on quantity instead of quality—see this brilliant page for more)
  • Colonized treatment settings (see this post for more!) and other culturally inappropriate treatments that demand that patients perform a kind of White Western recovery built on stereotypes about eating disorders
  • Long wait lists, which have the dual problem of: a) making people who could really use support immediately stay stuck on a wait list, which may also contribute to feelings of “not being sick enough” to deserve treatment and b) meaning that there is a very low threshold for people being kicked out of programs, as there’s always someone else waiting on the wait list
  • Lack of funding for patient-centered and community based treatment, meaning that people often have to leave their whole lives behind in order to pursue treatment—something that is not possible or accessible to all
  • Missing or insufficient transitional services for people leaving or kicked out of treatment, meaning that people often return to toxic environments that perpetuated distress
  • Weight stigma that pervades treatment settings in insidious ways; again, this doesn’t have to look like an individual healthcare provider being fatphobic. It can look like weight thresholds for treatment, eating disorder treatment programs that also market weight loss programs, and the promise that “we won’t let you get fat”

This looks fairly bleak, doesn’t it? This might surprise those who know me as a highly critical individual, but it always feels uncomfortable, to me, to focus on the negative. But we have to. If we actually want action, we need to delineate what needs to be acted upon. We can’t simply tell people to love their bodies in a world that tell them their bodies are wrong—not only because of thinness norms but also because of racism, classism, sexism, ableism, heterosexism, transphobia, etc. We also can’t just tell people to “go get help” when the help is neither available nor appropriate. My list above is but a snapshot of the myriad places for action.

What can we do? How can we act? I’m no longer satisfied with only critiquing, and yet I’m often hesitant to propose concrete recommendations—because of the spaces of privilege I occupy (my whiteness, my thinness, my age, my heterosexuality, my cis-genderness, my passing-as-able body) there are weak spots I likely cannot see, and preferred ways of action I likely do not know. Because of this, my number one recommendation for action is to listen. To deeply listen to those who aren’t usually able to talk about this. How do you listen to those who can’t speak up for fear of negative consequences? That’s a tricky one. My best guess is to open spaces up—to acknowledge and recognize when and how our systems are shot through with power dynamics and gilded with privilege. And when people speak and their stories and experiences are not as expected; when people speak about how mainstream systems aren’t working for them, don’t tell them they’re wrong. Listen, acknowledge, and act.

[I also made a heart shaped strawberry-rhubarb galette, picture above... but that feels somehow less important.]

Cheese and Change

I love being a researcher. I really feel like this is the career for me; I’ve always been curious, and I like to know things. Of course, the route I’ve chosen doesn’t lend itself to certainty. I tend to research things without answers, and I report results in an almost annoyingly non-prescriptive fashion. I’m regularly asked by reviewers to comment on the implications of my work, and I always do so somewhat hedgingly – forever with the caveat that no one size fits all.

When I found a subject that enamoured me enough to focus my attention on it, I decided that I would devote (at least a good chunk of) my life to learning more about it. The more I learn about eating disorders, the more I realize there’s so much more to be done. Especially with respect to inviting marginalized folks in and honouring their perspectives, the eating disorders field is in many ways a fledgling. I’m also learning that, in my opinion, if we want to make change in how we prevent, treat, and research eating disorders, we need to do it in an interdisciplinary way. No, scratch that – we need to do in it a way that transcends disciplines and invites those from the margins to the centre. We need to redefine whose expertise counts, how we make our decisions, and what matters as knowledge.

If we put together some unexpected ingredients, I think we might find that we’re better able to manoeuvre within systems and scaffold change that ultimately rearranges those systems. I believe that this broader rearrangement is necessary if we want to see the changes really take root.

There is resistance to this change, and this coming together, though. I don’t mean coming together in a superficial, “let’s forget our differences” kind of way – and this is important. I mean it in a “let’s acknowledge our differences, name the lenses we’re looking through, and let’s have uncomfortable conversations” kind of way. Let’s put ricotta and mango into a muffin, mix it up, and see what happens.

Cheesy baking metaphors aside (or are they ever really aside? I live and die by the cheesy baking metaphor. Oh dear, there’s even an unintended pun in this particularly cheese – ricotta), there’s a frustrating part about being a researcher, too – particularly one interested in talking to diverse and often marginalized people, and one oriented toward social justice. The frustration lies in taking a bird’s eye view of the tensions within the field while simultaneously listening to stories of those who’ve been forgotten by the system, and feeling powerless to do anything about it.

Contrary to popular belief (or perhaps not…), I don’t really have much power. Sure, I have privilege – I have privilege in spades. Things come easier to me because of my privileges, and people are more likely to listen to me because of my white privilege, my cis-gender privilege, my thin privilege, my heterosexual privilege, my academic social capital, and more. Unfortunately, relative to the dominant voices maintaining the status quo, my status as PhD student performing qualitative, feminist, critical research is low. Moreover, the audience I reach with my work is often already familiar with the frameworks I’m using and perspectives I’m sharing. On the broader stage, most people don't need to listen to my critiques. There really are no consequences for ignoring me. I don't have much power, but I still have more of a voice than those who tell me their stories - which tells you something about how power works in this (and probably other) fields. Problematically.

This is frustrating not because it denies me fame and fortune. It is frustrating because time and again, I’m told about the problems with the system, and the pain of people with eating disorders and their supporters who struggle to navigate unwieldy systems and who face marginalization and outright oppression when they try to do so. And all I can do is pick away at the edges; critique, name, tweet. I hold these stories, and they ground me while they propel me forward – but sometimes all I can do is hold them.

Often, I’m the first person to whom people have told their stories to – because no one else has asked. I’d like to invite these stories into the discussions “we” have, at the academic and policy level around eating disorders. These stories should be central to decisions. Research participants, patients, supporters… they are not just pieces of data or outcome statistics. They are people, in all of their complexities. This feels incredibly trite to write down… and yet somehow the obvious nature of this statement doesn’t always lead to greater inclusion.  

Somehow I’ve wiggled my way into this discussion at the level of the field more broadly. And that’s great. But it’s not really me people need to listen to – it’s my participants. I feel a great responsibility to those who’ve been generous to share their stories with me; their un-collapsability (new word for you) needs to be named; the differences and shared frustrations need to be acknowledged. I’m unsatisfied with simply recording them in my (very wordy) dissertation.

This post isn’t really about mango ricotta muffins; it’s a call to action. It’s a call to listen, to honour, to hold – and to move.

[Mango ricotta muffin recipe from Single Girls Kitchen]

Sticky Buns and Shrinking

“‎You're not the same as you were before," he said. You were much more... muchier... you've lost your muchness.” – Lewis Caroll, Alice in Wonderland

Sometimes things in life are just a little… excessive. Like, for instance, sticky buns. Horrible name aside, these delicacies have a lot going on. From the rich, yeasted dough to the caramelized pecan topping, you don’t pretend a sticky bun isn’t a ball full of sugary glory. There’s joy in the muchness of a sticky bun.

I am a lot. You might say I’m “muchy” – I feel things very intensely. Coupled with a lifelong commitment to honesty, my intenseness often extends outward, enveloping those who are close to me. I can imagine this might be overwhelming, particularly in a world in which we are told that we need to be small, quiet, and demure. I get very sad, very anxious, and very, very angry. These are emotions I hate, and that I’ve spent a long time trying to let myself feel. It’s only recently that I’ve come to understand that my muchness also includes the depth of the feelings I enjoy – when I am inspired, I can write thousands of words per hour. When I love someone, I love with every fibre of my being – so much that it aches. When I am happy, my laugh is infectious.  

I spent a while trying to shrink myself; partially in a self-protective way, I pretended, for some time, that I wasn’t a lot. More than physically, I shrunk emotionally. I fell into the smallness of numbness – refusing to feel the feels that overwhelmed me and made me aware of the depth of the ache. Part of this endeavor of shrinking was tied to the depth of my sensitivity to others’ muchness, too. I easily absorb others’ emotions – I am hyperaware of the weight of others’ feelings. Whether or not it was conscious, my shrinking was a retreat from this sensitivity.

The problem with denying my muchness was that it burst out in fits and starts – it was caramel, simmering silently until, in a moment of inattention, it bubbles over into a sticky mess. Like that sticky mess, it took a while to clean up.

I sometimes struggle to talk about my endeavours to get closer to and accept being a lot. It’s hard to frame shrinking endeavours without being accused of seeing my own eating disorder (and, by corollary, others’) as some kind of choice. Is it a choice, though, to retreat from intensity? Is it conscious? I would argue, here and elsewhere, that it was intertwined with societal discourses about being a woman – being small, being quiet, expressing only the good feels and only in certain settings – but this doesn’t mean it was a choice. This also doesn’t mean that I do or ever did buy into the validity of these discourses. Being aware is not being immune. Leaning into the sway is not accepting it as valid. Protective mechanisms do not need to be volitional to be socially rooted.

Getting back to the metaphor at hand, it took me a very long time to let myself rise. I still hear and feel the call to stay low, hard as a rock and protected from the onslaught of emotions – yours and mine. Is not listening a choice, or is it, too, circumstantial? I hope the nuance comes through… it is neither. It (acceptance, recovery, or what have you) is a complex interweaving of thoughts and emotions; of lives and relations and contexts. Sometimes it is sweet. It’s always muchy.

Pecan Sticky Buns on Eater.com

Retrospective Rhubarb

Eating disorders tend to have a revisionist history. Many of my research participants have commented on gaps in their memories around the experience of having an eating disorder; flashes of moments invade the present, interspersed with others’ retellings of their histories. Set in stone in clinical notes are the observations others have made; in eating diaries self-imposed or prescribed, our own bodily histories may dance across pages, disembodied or viscerally felt.

There are times when our memories conflict with those of others. Our stories may morph and change over time. As we become someone else in the eyes of others, our bodies may take on different significance for those seeing them. We aren’t the only ones to make meanings of our bodies, our recoveries, and our histories. To look at the pages and pages of medical history many of us hold, we are likely to find not the certainty we are looking for, but deviations and perhaps even embellishments. Objectivity is a slippery beast.

Today I went to speak, for the seventh time, about my recovery at the treatment centre I was treated at. I have a complicated relationship with these invitations – in one, I mark the invitation as a recognition of my recoveredness in the eyes of the establishment and fear that my presence and story reinscribes a particular recovery narrative. As I baked strawberry rhubarb squares on Monday evening, I wondered about the ethics of telling my story, and the balance between offering hope and telling a story that has already been told.

Time and again I settle on telling my story in the context of the treatment centre. I must admit that this is partially a selfish performance – there’s something about reflecting that reminds me how I have come far, which is particularly interesting as, believe it or not, I don’t actually think about how far I have come on any kind of regular basis. My recovery goes largely uncelebrated in my life, usually until something tests it. For all that I make a career of eating disorder work, I live in my present recovery without much nostalgia.

A more unselfish reason for the telling lies in the possibility of providing hope with at least some acknowledgment of the unfinishedness and imperfection of recovery to those struggling. It’s easy to forget, I think, that sometimes a rosy-ish story can be comforting, when I go on my rants about the need to complicate recovery. There was a time, I think, when I wanted the comfort of thinking recovery was perfect, and that may serve for a while. It’s a balance between hope and pragmatism every time I step into the uncomfortable position of role model.

This balancing act is often complicated – not only by my own memory of a time that was and embodiments that no longer haunt my flesh, but by others’ selective and revisionist histories of the depth of my illness. Time and again, I find my psychiatrist asking: “when did you accept your diagnosis of anorexia nervosa?” or revealing how closely I toed the line between inpatient and day hospital. The truth of the matter is that I was not diagnosed with anorexia nervosa – I was diagnosed with eating disorder not otherwise specified, because my weight was just above the cut off and I (ironically) still menstruated thanks to the birth control pill. There was never any question of my being inpatient, at least not a question that was ever asked to me.

So why the revision, I wonder? My psychiatrist celebrates my recovery, perhaps in complicated ways tied into the need for hope within the eating disorder profession itself, when so many patients die or cycle in and out of treatment. Is the revisionist worsening of my illness a way to build confidence in systems that don’t always serve – and if so, what is the impact of this and where is the impetus for the system to change?

I also wonder: who is to be believed? Some might write off my interpretation of this revision as due to denial of the seriousness of my illness and believe the one in authority. But I am not in denial – I was very sick, and I needed help. Yet in privileging the diagnosis of anorexia nervosa as the most serious one, we miss those stories of people not diagnosed with anorexia but who struggle enormously and deserve help. Many people in larger bodies will never be diagnosed with AN and will be repeatedly told that they are “doing great.” After all, as Deb Burgard has been saying forever, “we diagnose as eating disorders in thin people what we prescribe in fat people.”

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So I wonder about the ethics of this revision, and what it offers to our collective imaginings of seriousness. The diagnosis of anorexia is also more easily re-written onto my form, embodying as I do the privileges of whiteness, heterosexuality, able-bodiedness, middle classness, and relative thinness. Would it be so easily retrospectively applied to someone whose recovery body exceeds the expected?

My thoughts are unfinished, and don’t really relate to the beauty of the post, which is due entirely to these strawberry rhubarb bars, which happen to be gluten free and vegan, because everyone deserves delicious food. So perhaps the only real link is there – in that everyone deserves the deliciousness in life – and yet we socially inscribe categories around who is worthy.

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[Strawberry Rhubarb Bars from Minimalist Baker]

Time and Tapas

Time has a curious hold on me. I’d be willing to bet it probably has one on you, too.

I’m a very lucky person: I have a partner who is extremely flexible in terms of rolling with my schedule; while he works a 9-5, he understands that my work often flexes and flows around, functioning in bits and starts and seeping into the evenings following long afternoon pauses. He also understands my meal times, and I often joke that he has a degree in hanger management for his ability to forecast my need to eat at regular intervals lest I become a raging beast of a girl on an empty stomach.

This weekend we went to Montreal for a vacation – a work-less vacation, an experiment on my part, undertaken in an effort to lessen the grip that my email has on me. I set an auto reply and resigned myself to unanswered notifications glaring at me from the cracked phone screen. I packed only two books on feminist philosophies of time, and a small notebook. For me, this is progress.

Curiously, I’m seeing time everywhere, right now. In my dissertation, I’m contemplating the ways in which people in recovery tend to question their own narratives and memories; their claims to the discursive “space” of recovery with all of its socially perfectionist trappings. I’m wondering about how treatment systems tend to remove people from time as it marches on in their everyday lives and imposes a new time structure that resembles rigid neoliberal time. Returning to the “real world” can feel like an abrupt departure, in this context – moving from a time-space where choices are made for you to one where everything and nothing has changed; where not everyone pauses at noon on the dot for a lunch break and where you’re suddenly expected to choose your correct choices for health.

In my own life, I’m wondering about this persuasive pull of time. I wondered, this weekend, why I itched to know what time we’d seek sustenance in the morning. I wondered why I felt the need to drink my coffee at 10am, to eat a snack at 4:30pm, to be in bed by midnight. Our vacations are often dictated by “Andrea time” – so I decided to try Alex time for a change.

My experiment ended up yielding an eerily similar schedule, were you to break down the activities and times – we ate meals around their usual times, woke up before 9, and went to bed before midnight. And yet, it felt different to renounce the rules – if only for a weekend.

The truth of the matter, though, is that the flexibility to follow your whims, when it comes to time, is not always there. You can’t always linger over a delicious 4 course dinner of tapas while sharing deep thoughts over a seemingly bottomless glass of wine. The constraints of contemporary working society’s structures don’t really allow for the intuitive.

This is one reason why – despite philosophically agreeing with concepts like intuitive eating and despite my own habitual 2:30pm walks in the woods – I don’t necessarily preach the virtues of mindful living within the current neoliberal capitalist time structures we live in. Ideal as it might be to decide you’d prefer to have cake for lunch and to have it at 3pm, it’s not always possible.

Does that mean I’m resigned to neoliberal time, content to re-impose these structures on those who’ve fallen out of step (or, conversely, overly in step) with these temporal logics? Not at all… it’s just yet another case for the need to consider the momentary, micro-action and the broader chipping away at the system that we must do to actualize a different kind of world that is open to multiple relationships to time and bodies in space.

[Photos: Glorious meal at Restaurant les 400 Coups, Montreal]

Egg Whites and Embodied Subjectivity

I think it’s probably fair to say that I think about my embodied subjectivity more than the average person. I was thinking about my embodied subjectivity the other day while sifting flour endlessly in the service of creating a lime pistachio angel food cake for my mom’s birthday. As the egg whites whipped in the KitchenAid, I pondered the challenge of moving body love discourse beyond the mirror image – and loving one’s body when it isn’t doing what it’s “supposed” to do – even when it looks like it is or should be.

Body image, you could argue, has become somewhat of a buzzword; many of us are concerned with how bodies are framed in society – objectified, denied access, confined to certain spaces, etc. A glance at Instagram or other social media sites reveals thousands of posts about body image, body positivity, body love. I know that I surround myself with a rare set of humans who consider these issues on a deep and systemic level, moving beyond the rhetoric of “just love yourself! Love your curves! But be sure to eat Special K!” brand of body positivity that co-opts the terms of a movement to sell products and peddles discontent in the name of fixing it.

I also know that it is easier to love my body than it is for some to love their bodies. I do not face the same kind of scrutiny that people in marginalized bodies do when I walk down the street. I hide behind my averageness, as averageness easily slides into “normalcy.” I’ve written about this ad nauseum, but it bears repeating. While owning my body privilege does not a) exempt me from experiencing its impact or b) solve anything, it’s still an important part of participating in the communities I participate in. Further, and as others have more convincingly argued, the body positivity – or fat acceptance – movement is not really my movement.

Sometimes when I give talks about eating disorder recovery, I cringe at the questions about how long it took me to love my body, because I fear that my “timeline” will impose a set of criteria. I also fear that my answer will perpetuate the idea that everyone in eating disorder recovery needs to be able to shout that they love their bodies from the rooftop, or that they somehow need to rise above the “average person’s” experience of body insecurity, body shame, or body struggles.

I get frustrated when talk of body love only touches the surface of the body, too. This is not a discussion of form versus function; I’m not saying “we need to focus on what our bodies can do, not just what they look like!” – after all, the function argument can easily veer into ableist territory by asking people to celebrate normative movement. Both an aesthetic body love (i.e., realizing that fat is beautiful) and functional body love (i.e., focusing on the joy of movement) can ignore the reality of loving a body that doesn’t always function the way we want it to. They can leave alone the question of: how do I love this rebellious instrument that aches, that breaks out, that stops moving as I am telling it to? How do I love this woman-body that’s not acting as I’m told a woman-body should? The theory behind body love is, of course, that all bodies are loveable, no matter what they do or look like. But in practice, the words often end up being hollow, accompanied as they so often are by images of normative, privileged bodies.

If you follow me on social media or know me in person, you probably know more about my hormones than regular friends know about each other. Hello, my name is Andrea, and I share my whole life online. Over the past 8 or so years I’ve struggled with extreme hormone fluctuations often resulting in lots of pain, nausea and other unpleasant symptoms. As a result of the out-of-control-ness of my body, I have often found myself fighting it. The more I fight it – like overworked dough – the more it resists me.

On my way home from Toronto (to deliver said cake) yesterday, I listened to a podcast that discussed body love in the context of chronic illness and PCOS. While I don’t have PCOS (my hormonal issues bear no name besides “I have no idea what’s wrong with you,” if you ask a doctor), the podcast really got me thinking. It made me think about whether I really enact body love, or whether I only love my body when it’s doing what I want. It made me consider how maybe the time I need to offer my body love the most is when it isn’t doing what I’m told it’s supposed to do.

I hesitate to co-opt this discourse either, as most of the time my body still abides by the ableist requirements set by society. I also wonder about the invisibility of hormonal issues, among other chronic conditions, and what it means to have a body that looks normative but rebels inwardly. As per usual, I have no solid answers, but it felt like a thought worth sharing, this working on my relationship with my body in times when it isn’t convenient. And while those who ate my cake might not be pleased to hear that my thoughts about my hormones infused the cake, it’s the truth. If only enacting this were as easy as making a lime glaze and sprinkling on some pistachios.

Lime Pistachio Angel Food Cake - recipe from Bon Appetit

Red Velvet and Revolution

I want to talk about making mistakes. Yet again, baking can act as an allegory for my mistake-making, in life. Most of the time, things go smoothly when I bake. Because I’ve been baking for so long, it’s not intimidating for me. I can reasonably expect that when I cream butter and sugar, add some eggs, vanilla, milk, flour, and baking powder, I’ll get a nice cake at the other end of a sojourn of 25 minutes at 350 degrees.

Sometimes I get ambitious, though. I approach baking with reckless abandon, never thinking to myself “well this is going to fail.” In general, it’s a great approach. It has led me down many baking rabbit holes that have yielded either deliciously crispy oil-fried doughnuts, to … crying on the kitchen floor covered in two types of icing and countless layers of unevenly textured cake layers.

I approach my work with reckless abandon, too. Unfortunately, because I work in academia, I do often expect to fail when I try to push up against the boundaries of the academic status quo. When I prepare a new paper or apply for a grant, I always suspect that somewhere in my future I’ll be lying on the kitchen floor crying, covered, this time, in rejected manuscripts and lost forms.

It all sounds terribly melodramatic, doesn’t it? Most of the time, my work, and my baking, fall somewhere in between. My manuscripts get rejected a few times and then, finally, get to be revised and resubmitted. Usually my red velvet cupcakes come out pink.

Sometimes I get ambitious, though. I expect myself to juggle too many projects and say yes a lot. I wind up answering emails at all hours of the night and in the early morning, I have trouble just watching a movie when I could be simultaneously searching the literature or cleaning my data. I push the burnout under the rug until it bubbles up uncontrolled, revealing to me oversights and errors I missed in my rush to get everything done on time.

When I buy into the busy contest, I am the one who ends up losing. When I buy into the busy contest, it’s like accidentally swapping baking soda for baking powder: it all bubbles over, and I have a big old mess on my hands.

I am currently emerging from a week of acute anxiety over mistakes I made while buying into the busy contest, trying to be perfect, and not asking for help. The visceral character of the anxiety – making it hard to eat, to sleep, to be – taught me a number of lessons I’ve been intellectually aware of for a while but somehow unable to incorporate into my self-concept.

That’s just the thing, isn’t it? You can know that you’re burning out, and not want to contribute to the busy contest, and yet still have it happen and contribute to the very thing(s) you hate. For me, step one has been admitting that the way I’ve been working over the past few years is not sustainable – I’m beginning to finally let myself accept that work, and life, are for the long-game.

Of course, this all sounds quite idealistic and ignorant of the social strictures that require people to work constantly, and often for low pay, to live in this world. Certainly, I recognize my privilege in being able to decide that I won’t be answering emails after 10pm (or at least I will try not to…) and that I’m only going to say yes to projects that truly excite me. This shouldn’t be a privilege, though – and it reveals the paramount need to transform the systems that bind us in an ever-owing relationship with capital.

Undoing these ties will not be easy – particularly not for those who have been multiply marginalized. The last thing I would want to say is that we all just need to breathe, take a bubble bath, and bake some red velvet cupcakes and it will all be ok. I know that it won’t; but baking the damn cupcakes is going to give me the energy that I need, right now, to do the work that might yield one of the many microscopic shifts required for widespread systems change.

So is this a post about red velvet cupcakes, or revolution?

[Baking notes: I used Sweetapolita's red velvet cake recipe for the cupcakes and her cream cheese icing recipe from her cookbook for the frosting]

Doughnuts and Double Standards

It’s fairly standard practice for me to bake when I’m feeling overwhelmed. There’s something about combining simple ingredients and creating something spectacular that makes me feel calm. People often ask me how I find the time to bake; baking, for me, is meditation. The question becomes: how could I find the time not to bake?

Of course, as with all things, I sometimes get concerned about what my visibly overachieving proclivities say about me as a feminist. I wonder, for instance, whether making a batch of doughnuts in the afternoon after I’ve spent the morning wrestling with theories of embodiment makes others feel like they’re not doing enough.

I’m acutely aware of the “busy competition” that goes on in academic – and other – spaces. I’m also aware of the problematics of calls for women to “have it all.” At this point, an analysis of that discourse seems almost too simplistic. Of course it’s more complicated than simply choosing to lean in to all of the roles we’re asked to fill. Of course my privilege affords me the occasional afternoon covered in flour and sugar.  

My domesticity lies in a funny rub with my insistence on being a career-minded individual and achieving in the academic realm of my choosing. I struggle with how to present my baking endeavours much in the same way that I ponder my posting of a self-portrait of my studio afternoons. Am I unwitting participating in the perpetuating of ideals of neoliberal femininity?

Of course I know that baking and dancing (and the subsequent posting of pristinely styled doughnuts and dance pictures) does not make me a “bad feminist.” The question becomes, of course, how to represent without subtly reinforcing dominant notions of a “good life,” a beautiful existence, a healthy balance?

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Add to all of this a layer of eating disorder recovery, and my recipe for grapefruit curd doughnuts suddenly becomes an inquiry into the nature of engagement with and love of food in eating disorder recovery. I vividly remember sitting in an uncomfortable chair in a circle at feedback group during eating disorder treatment when I was looking into getting a job near the end of my day hospital stay. “We’d like you to evaluate your motivations for wanting to work at Second Cup,” they said “you realize you’ll be around food all day.”

This infuriated me, but I smiled and nodded politely. I hadn’t considered it, if I was being honest – I just really liked coffee. I never got the job, but that and several other encounters with folks about my love of food have landed me in some interesting conversations over the past eight years. Now, I’m no stranger to people questioning my motivations for all things – my career as eating disorder researcher, my enjoyment of dance, my baking, my proclivity toward hunting down the next “it” restaurant while travelling – and linking these to pathology.

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This questioning evidences, to me, an inherent distrust of people who have had eating disorders that I find problematic. There’s a funny expectation that people in recovery will become agnostic about food and exercise. There’s not a lot of room for exceeding that agnosticism in either direction – loving the multisensory experience of making and/or eating delicious food, or not being interested in it and really just eating because it’s a human need. I think to discount either is problematic – because it ignores variations in human experiences in their bodies that I believe lend a lot to the world.

As you will expect from me, I have more questions than I have answers; but the questions seemed worth rising – much like these grapefruit curd doughnuts.

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Grapefruit Curd Doughnuts with Citrus Sugar; recipe from Bon Appetit

Coming Soon: Smash the Pastryarchy

Cooking and writing are a lot alike, I think. Both consist of making something delicious out of unlikely ingredients, dreaming up combinations of flavours, adding a twist... and sometimes having unexpected explosions. I've been baking - and writing - since I was a child. Arguably, my writing pursuits have landed me outcomes that do more for my career; and yet, where would I be without hours spent in flour-covered contemplation? 

In this space, I'll chronicle my thoughts on baking, feminism, and eating disorders. Unlikely ingredients, perhaps... but might they be more tasty when combined?